Our Deepest Fear

My deepest fear is not that I'm powerful beyond measure, but that I'm inadequate.

I'm a quiet, introverted person. When I don't know people well at all, I sometimes hesitate to challenge people on negative comments about sexual orientation or race, but there are times I do. I never join in. However, there is one topic I find very difficult to address - mental health.

This is an example I observe frequently. I really hate it when people call someone bipolar just because they're nice to someone one second then say something angrily later . This is not the only criteria. Can someone who does that have bipolar or a mood disorder do that? Yes. But not everyone. And it really offends those people who do have it. It's really difficult for some people to challenge the person making this comment because of the stigma surrounding mental illness. Also, it's often assumed that this person has whatever. I've only said something to a person making a rude comment two times I can remember. I felt good about saying something, but at the same time I felt ashamed and nervous. It's not just people with mood disorders (depression, bipolar, forms within those) and certain behaviors (such as eating disorders, self harm, etc.) who deal with these problems, but anyone who feels like they have to hide. 

I really want to accept myself. There's no need to make things public, but I wish I didn't have a huge fear of people finding out because I think they'll look at me as crazy. A lot of people actually have mental health issues who are stable and they appear to be "normal". I'm fearful that I will be inadequate for the rest of my life. However, once others and I can feel comfortable with myself, I hope that others feeling scared will do the same. Do I think that the stigma will ever go completely away? No. But I do think when more people feel liberated, at least some progress will be made. Maybe out deepest fear will no longer be that we are inadequate. 

The Story of An Hour

Mrs. Mallard and Edna from The Awakening have a lot in common. Both feel controlled by their husbands and feel unhappy about this. They desire independence. Edna decides to act in her own interest, such as moving out to the pigeon house and acting rebellious. Her decision to go against Creole societal standards results in criticism and people thinking she's mentally sick. Despite other's reactions to what she has done, Edna feels free. Mrs. Mallard is in a similar predicament in which she is unhappy about having to take care of his every need. When she hears that her husband tragically died in a railroad accident, and even though she knows her husband loves her, she is relieved and feels like she can finally act how she wants. She's looking forward to the rest of her life and the day before she dreaded it. Shortly after, she sees Mr. Mallard alive and walking in. It turns out he wasn't near the accident. Her heart problem, described at the beginning of the story, leads to her abrupt death. She "died of heart disease -- of the joy that kills". 

In both The Awakening and The Story of An Hour, both character's downfall are related to their feelings of being suppressed by their husbands. Edna's and Mrs. Mallard's realizations that they're trapped result in their deaths. 

The Lady or The Tiger?

There's not enough information to determine which door the princess would choose. It's not obvious how much the princess loves the suitor. Her decision of which door to pick, knowing the outcome of her choice, depends on whether she really loves him or not. If she really loves him, she’ll choose the door with the lady. Even though she doesn’t want to see him with another woman who she doesn’t like, it would be the decision for his best interest. If she loves him, she’ll let him be happy despite the negative impact on her. If she doesn’t love him, she would be selfish by letting him be killed by the tiger because she doesn’t want to see him with anyone else. She could choose either door and it’s based all on whether she loves him or not. This is not stated in the story. 

King Lear Act III - #1

Rejection is one of most painful experiences regarding those you love and care about. Even though Gloucester loves Edgar, he feels that Edgar has betrayed him and it tears him apart. Another example of this is Lear with his daughters and it causes him to lose it. It’s painful because the love between the two people isn’t mutual and the person being rejected doesn’t always understand why they're being treated poorly. People’s response to this often starts with anger, which is really just covering how much they are hurting. By covering the way it really makes them feel, it makes them appear to be less vulnerable. Kent is loyal and even goes back in disguise to serve Lear. Another possible reaction, such as Kent, is still trying to connect with the person or display their devotion or love to them hoping to get the person back. Lear, Edgar, Cordelia, and Kent are all experiencing pain as a result of being betrayed by people they love or are devoted to. Lear’s betrayal by his daughters leads to his insanity. Lear and Gloucester’s rejection of their children leave Cordelia and Edgar feeling hurt. When Kent is banished, his response is to go back to serve Lear even though Lear wants nothing to do with him, which shows his true devotion. Human emotional responses in general to rejection and betrayal vary, but emotional turmoil is common in those being hurt by those they love and care about.

King Lear Act II - #3

In his soliloquy in scene 3, Edgar says, “As Edgar, I’m nothing at all.” He’s been disowned by his father and he feels useless. He takes on the persona of Tom O’Bedlam, which is extreme compared to who he really is, because he’s loyal to his father, wants to protect him, and doesn’t want Edmund to carry out his plan. His loyalty is comparable to Kent, who also has to disguise himself, and Cordelia’s. When Edgar is talking about who he will disguise himself as he says, “I’ve decided to disguise myself as the lowliest and rattiest beggar that mankind has ever seen. I’ll smear my face with filth, put on a loincloth, make my hair matted and tangled, and face the bad weather wearing almost nothing. I’ve seen beggars out of insane asylums who stick pins and nails into their numb arms. They pray or roar lunatic curses, horrifying farmers and villagers into giving them alms.” Using works such as “lowliest and rattiest” and “filth” is foreshadowing Lear’s descent into madness. Also, he says the beggars numb to pain (sticking pins and nails to their arms and because they pray or roar lunatic curses), but Edgar himself is not numb.

King Lear Act II - #2

Goneril and Regan take what their father has them given them for granted. He’s given them a place to live and probably most of what they wanted and when divides his kingdom among his daughters, Goneril and Regan betray him and give him no respect. The only one who is still loyal to her father is Regan, but Lear banishes her just because she won’t flatter him like his other two daughters deceivingly did. Goneril and Regan are very greedy and no longer even pretend to love their father. When he comes to spend time with them, they complain and make him leave. Resentment of their father comes from not getting exactly what they want. They don’t realize their father loves them so what he does for them seems insignificant because they’re only thinking about what they want. Resentment from any child to a parent often comes from dislike of the parent’s actions and the child’s disregard or skepticism for the parent’s real reason for their choice of action, which is often for the wellbeing of their child. However, it’s often difficult for the child to see. This type of relationship between children and their parents, such as Goneril and Regan with Lear, is powerful because it creates conflict and often pulls the child away from their parents, which is often difficult for the parent because that wasn’t their intention.

King Lear Act I - #5

Loyalty is usually inherent personality trait, but it can also be learned. Kent is very loyal to the Lear, which is shown by the fact he comes back to serve Lear after he is banished. Lear doesn’t realize that it’s Kent when he returns as Caius, but because of what Kent says and the way he acts, Lear accepts him because he likes being treated like he’s the most important and that people like him. I think there are many personality types that are likely to be loyal. It could be an insecure person who just needs something to latch onto or something to make them feel their life has purpose. Or it could be a secure, devoted person who really believes in the person or thing they are loyal to. Kent seems to be a secure person, while Lear is a very insecure person who desires loyalty. The same loyalty that existed then is present now, just in different settings. For example, a group of athletes on a sports team are loyal to each other and their coach. They have to be so that they can be successful. Even though Kent is very loyal to Lear, I don’t think Lear realizes how important this is. It may mean something to Lear because it adds to his ego and attempts to take away some of his insecurities, but this is just superficial.

King Lear Act I - #3

Cordelia’s relationship with Lear is very different from Goneril and Regan’s. Lear makes each of his daughters give a speech proclaiming how much she loves him so that he can decide who deserves the largest part of his kingdom. While Goneril and Regan have no problem manipulating their father with excessive flattery and exaggerated terms to express their love for him, Regan doesn’t speak because she is unable to “heave her heart into her mouth.” She says, “I love your majesty according to my bond, no more nor less” meaning she loves her father as much as a daughter should. She questions her sister’s words by asking how they can only love their father and not their husbands and how when she gets married, she will love her husband and father. Cordelia is unable to speak when her survival depends on it because she has morals and virtues, unlike her scheming sisters. She’s honest with her father, which is shown by her response unlike her sisters. Money, power, and prestige are not the most important aspect of her life. She isn’t as superficial and conniving as her sisters. She loves and respects her father and doesn’t make up lies about how much she loves him just to get the largest part of the kingdom. Cordelia is Lear’s favorite daughter and he loves her too. She’s dedicated to him, but when she doesn’t tell him what he wants to hear, he banishes her because she doesn’t flatter him, which is what Lear is really looking for. He can’t hear her truth because of this.
I’ve seen situations similar to this. For example, when I was in boarding school, a lot of people tried to manipulate so that they could go home. They would tell people in authority what they wanted to hear for their own benefit even though it was usually a lie. I have used manipulation to get what I want and at times it was successful, but most of my attempts failed.

Brave New World #4

Even though the idea of people being happy without pain or suffering sounds appealing, the means to achieve that are disturbing. Individuality and knowledge are important parts of being human, and these qualities are taken away. It's possible that a utopia can only be achieved by taking away knowledge so that people can't be happy and rebel, but it's a bothersome thought. People should be able to feel different emotions and not be brainwashed or placed in a part of society without any choice. I think scientific knowledge is abused by making all those test tube babies and then putting them in different societal groups and conditioning them in certain ways to fit the society. Ignorance and lack of knowledge fuels the success, if you can call it that, of the utopian society. People have no reason to be unhappy or question standards if they can't think for themselves. Although the idea of a utopian society in terms of everyone being happy sounds nice, I don't think it can be achieved in a way without taking away basic human rights such as thought and individuality. 

Brave New World #3

In chapter 17, Mustapha Mond and John Savage discuss civilization. Mond thinks that society is fine the way it is and that it's necessary to keep people occupied so that they don't think about thinks and rebel. He thinks that there's no need for a god and people only think about god when people are alone thinking about death. People in this society aren't alone and don't fear death. Savage says, "If you allowed yourselves to think of God, you wouldn't allow yourselves to be degraded by pleasant vices." Mond says that there's no need for civilized people to  bear anything unpleasant. When Savage says, "But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin." he doesn't want to live in a constant state of happiness and wants to feel emotions and be able to think individually. He wants change. Mond also says that "civilization has absolutely no need of nobility or heroism" because it shows political inefficiency. He says that conditions have to be unstable for these opportunities to become available. People have to obey the rules that society gives them and aren't allowed to be individuals or think for themselves. 

Brave New World #2

Sex and games are used as a method of control by keeping people from thinking and questioning the society. If they begin to question and think about things, they might want to rebel and bring down the society. By controlling the people, the society is stable, which is crucial to its survival. Sex is very impersonal and it's used as a way to keep people occupied. There isn't any real connection between people and people switch partners to avoid connection. Both sex and games are used to keep people happy. Also, things like hypnopaedic sayings brainwash people so that they can't think independently. Individuality is a threat to their society. The saying "ending is better than mending" means that it's better to just die or get rid of something than to try to fix it. People aren't scared of death in this society. World State doesn't want people to find truth because it poses a threat to society, so they keep people occupied, happy, and distracted to avoid potential rebellion. 

Brave New World #1

I think that some of Huxley's predictions are partially true, but are taken to the extremes. 

There are class differences, but in today's society, people are allowed to move up or down. Although they're born into a certain class, or caste in Huxley's book, they aren't brainwashed into thinking that's the only place they can be in society, even though some people in today's world may feel stuck. 

One of the most relevant aspects of Brave New World is the science that's used to create babies, but the way that they are used is less reasonable. People today have test tube babies, but the science isn't used like a factory. It isn't used as a way to produce people for a controlled society with no individuality. Also, people have mothers and fathers unlike in the book. Also, people are genetically modified to create desirable results, and a lot of work is being done in genetics to do similar things. 

The most far-fetched part of the book to me is the general idea of a utopian society, especially one run in that way. I don't think it's possible to take away all individuality and strip people of all knowledge with the end result being happiness for all. The U.S. is known for freedom and the society in Brave New World is the exact opposite of freedom. 

Poetry Response - Unveiling

"In the cemetery 

a mile away

from where we used to live

my aunts and mother,

my father and uncles lie

in two long rows almost the way

they used to sit around 

the long planked table

at family dinners."

Pastan is comparing her family member's graves lined up in the cemetery to them sitting at the table for family dinners. She doesn't feel sad because it's like they're sitting around the table like when they were alive. 

"I don't feel sad

for them, just left out a bit

as if they kept

from me the kind

of grown-up secret

they used to share

back then, something

I'm not quite ready yet

to learn."

Grown-up secrets being kept from the author makes it seem like a kid wrote the poem even though that may not be the case. Pastan is looking back and remembering what it was like to feel like there were secrets being kept from her. The end "I'm not quite ready yet to learn" could either mean that she still views herself as a child and is still not ready to learn the adult secrets or that she's not ready to die. My impression, considering her parents and family are dead, is that this person is older but still considers herself a child. 

Poetry Response - For the Sleepwalkers

The first half of the poem is talking about people who are actually sleepwalking. They have no fear and are never harmed. They walk to the stairs and not the window. They walk through the doorway instead of the mirror. The path on the carpet is worn and there is an invisible arrow leading them. They have done this before and haven't ever been harmed and "always they return home safely, like blind men who know it is morning by feeling shadows." 

When they wake up, they're the same person they were before. Then Hirsch starts to talk about how our hearts should leave our bodies and be fearless like sleepwalkers. He says that we have to trust our hearts and not fear experiences. "We have to learn the desperate faith of sleepwalkers who rise out of their calm beds and walk through the skin of another life". We have to put away our fears, or "drink the stupefying cup of darkness", and when you wake up, you'll be refreshed. 

The Awakening (Ch. 35-39)

Edna hopes that Robert will come to visit her, but he never does. Edna sees Robert at a garden cafe and he walks home with her. Robert admits that he was thinking of Edna all the time in Mexico. But he knew that she was Mr.Pontellier's wife and that he was "demented, dreaming of wild, impossible things, recalling men who had set their wives free..." She responds that she isn't one of Mr.Pontellier's possessions. Edna leaves to go to Madame Ratignolle's. Robert says he'll walk with her, but she asks him to stay and wait for her. Doctor Mandelet walks Edna home and tells her, "you seem to be in trouble. I am not going to ask for your confidence, I will only say that if ever you feel moved to give it to me, perhaps I might help you. I know I would understand, and I tell you there are not many who would - not many, my dear." When Edna gets home, Robert isn't there.
He left a note saying, "I love you. Good-by -- because I love you." He knows that she can never be his wife and doesn't want to do any more damage.
Edna is back on Grand Isle and decides to go for a swim. She thinks about her husband and children and Robert's note. She swims out too far and becomes tired. Edna sees a bird with a broken wing that is falling and this symbolizes Edna.
I can see why she felt trapped and hopeless in her situation and felt killing herself was her best or only option. However, that doesn't take away the damage her decision caused.

The Awakening (Ch. 30-34)

Edna hosts some people for dinner before she moves into the pigeon house. She invites Mrs.Highcamp, Arobin, Victor, Mademoiselle Reisz, and Monsieur Ratignolle, who attends for Madame Ratignolle because she is pregnant. A lot of money is spent on food and decorations for her dinner party. She had also received diamonds from her husband in New York. Victor starts to sing a song, but Edna becomes upset because it reminds her of Robert. Arobin stays with Edna after the other guests have left and she becomes "supple to his gentle, seductive entreaties".
Mr.Pontellier is upset about his wife moving out because of the way it will make him look. He thinks that it will make it look like he's having finanical difficulties, so he decides to have a well-known architect remodel his home. He also arranged for one of the newspapers to have an article about how he and his wife were going to take a vacation. Edna likes living in the pigeon house and there was "a feeling of having descended in the social scale, with a corresponding sense of having risen in the spiritual." She also visits her children and is very happy to see them.
Robert comes home and Edna is disappointed that he had not come to find her right away. Also, she realizes that he has not come home for her, but for business reasons instead. The interaction between Robert and Edna are not like before he left. Her hopes of what would happen when he returned home are much different than what actually occurs.
I haven't been as annoyed with Edna as it seems many other people are, but I'm starting to become irritated by her actions. Spending a lot of her husband's money for a party because she's moving out is inconsiderate and immature to me. Also, having affairs with now two other men lowers my respect for her more.

The Awakening (Ch. 25-29)

Edna goes to the races with Mrs.Highcamp and Arobin. Edna spends some time alone with Arobin and becomes involved with him. He kisses her hand and she "felt somewhat like a woman who in a moment of passion is betrayed into an act of infidelity". She's more concerned about what Robert would think than her husband because she's still in love with him.
Edna decides to move out of her house into the pigeon house because she wants to be free. Another example of bird imagery is when Mademoiselle Reisz puts her arms around Edna to see if her shoulder blades, or wings, are strong. She also admits to Madamoiselle Reisz that she's in love with Robert.
Edna begins to cry after Arobin leaves. She feels guilty about all the material possessions that her husband has provided and realizes she has been irresponsible. However, "There was Robert's reproach making itself felt by a quicker, fiercer, more overpowering love, which had awakened within her toward him." She's been awakened and "she felt as if a mist had been lifted from her eyes, enabling her to look upon and comprehend the significance of life, that monster made up of beauty and brutality." The only regret she feels is that her involvment with Arobin was not because of love.

The Awakening (Ch. 20-24)

Edna goes to Madame Lebrun's to find Mademoiselle Reisz's new address so that she can listen to her play piano. Victor tells Edna about Robert's two letters and was disappointed that there was no message for her. Madame Lebrun and Victor remarked about how she looked ravishing and like a different woman.
Edna goes to Mademoiselle Reisz's and she informs her that Robert send her a letter asking questions about Edna, and she asks to read it but is not allowed. Edna tells her that she wants to be an artist and Mademoiselle Reisz tells her that she must have a courageous soul. Edna tells her she has persistence and asks if that counts for anything in art. She gives the Robert's letter to Edna and plays the piano. Edna begins to sob and asks Mademoiselle Reisz if she can come again. She tells her she can come anytime and picks up the damp, crumpled letter off the floor.
Mr.Pontellier goes to see Doctor Mandelet because he is concerned about Edna. The doctor asks if she's been associating with and psuedo-intellectual women and he says that she hasn't been associating with anyone. The Doctor agrees to stop by to see her and says that women are a "peculiar and delicate organism." He also questions if there is another man in the case, but doesn't comment about that.
Edna's father is in town to purchase a wedding gift for his daughter. Edna and her father are not close. Edna takes her father to a soirée musicale but Mr.Pontellier doesn't go. Edna enjoys being around her father, but realizes that her interest may not last long. The doctor has dinner with them but notices nothing.
Edna and her father get into an argument over Edna's refusal to attend her sister's wedding. Mr.Pontellier decides to go for her and Edna's father says, "You are too lenient... Authority, coercion are what is needed. Put your foot down good and hard; the only way to manage a wife." Edna became more affectionate toward her husband as his departure came closer, but she felt a "radiant peace" when her husband and children were gone.

The Awakening (Ch. 15-19)

Edna is informed that Robert is going to Mexico. She was surprised that after all their time together, he hadn't mentioned this to her. Robert visits her and she expresses her disapproval. Edna asks him to write to her and is disappointed in his reply of "I will, thank you, Good-by" because she expected him to be more empathetic. She's experiencing infatuation like she did when she was younger.
Edna thinks about Robert a lot and "Robert's going had some way taken the brightness, the color, the meaning out of everything. The conditions of her life were in no way changed, but her whole existence was dulled, like a faded garment which seems to be no longer worth wearing." Robert sent a letter to his mother and Edna feels jealous that he had written to his mother and not her. Mr.Pontellier saw Robert in New Orleans before he left, and Edna questions him about it. She says her feelings for Robert are nothing like her feelings for her husband and that she's used to keeping her emotions and thoughts to herself. Edna tries to describe her ownership of her emotions to Madame Ratignolle by saying she'd give up the unessential for her children, but she would never give herself. Madame Ratignolle doesn't understand.
Mr.Pontellier is angry with Edna for not fullfilling her social duties, which negatively impacts him. He leaves dinner and goes out. Edna finishes her meal alone and then goes to her room and paces, where she tries to crush her wedding ring and throws a vase, shattering it.
Mr.Pontellier asks Edna to meet him in town, but she declines and looks at her sketches instead. She tries to work, but isn't in the mood, so she walks to Madame Ratignolle's. Although Edna thinks that her praise valueless, it ended up having value. Edna feels depressed when she leaves because she realizes "the little glimpse of domestic harmony" was "not a condition of life which fitted her." Edna stopped doing most of what her husband requested of her and he began to wonder if there was something wrong with her. She asked him to leave her alone and he did. Some days she was happy to be alive and others she was not.

The Awakening (Ch. 10-14)

Edna had been trying to learn how to swim all summer, but had not yet been successful. This time, she tries again and "A feeling of exultation overtook her, as if some power of significant import had been given her soul. She grew daring and reckless, overestimating her strength. She wanted to swim far out, where no woman had swum before." She pushes herself out of her comfort zone, which leads to a moment of panic when she realizes how far out she, even though she really wasn't out that far. Robert walks home with Edna and she tries to describe the emotions she's experiencing.
Mr.Pontellier comes out asks why Edna is not inside and he tries to convince her to go inside, but she doesn't. She would usually follow his requests willingly, but this time is different. Edna is starting to experience an awakening. The narrator says, "She wondered if her husband had ever spoken to her like that before, and if she had submitted to his command. Of course she had; she remembered she had. But she could not realize why or how she should have yielded, feeling as she then did."
Edna meets Mariequita, who has a sense of freedom and vitality based on her physical appearance. She's friends with Robert, but not a member of Creole society. Edna gets jealous. Robert can have Mariequita because she's not a part of Creole society, but he can't have Edna. Robert says he can’t be interested in her, like he's playing Edna and Mariequita against each other. He turns his attention away from Mariequita and back to Edna.
When they return home, Robert says goodnight and Edna mentions that they have been together all day. She feels changed after her day at Grand Isle and she wonders why Robert had left her, not taking into consideration that he might be tired of her after spending the whole day with her. Robert is triggering her awakening and she has never been part of a mutual attraction and this is powerful to her. But it's not just Robert who is triggering her awakening. She's starting to recognize her own interests, such as art and music, that have never been developed.